Dealing with a long term relationship break up & divorce

Spa it Girl Contributor Mary Avenoso life looked picture perfect she meant the man of her dreams and then got married and the plan was they would buy a house, start a family and live happily ever after.

But as Mary has since learnt not every plan goes to plan – and her happily ever after has ended in an absolute disaster with a marriage break up and now she has found herself divorced and all on her own again.

If you thought you might be the only person going through a relationship problems, or a break up or divorce think again.

Getting Married then going through a Divorce was not something Mary thought would ever happy to her.

However it did and now she is able to offer up her own words of wisdom from this experience so here goes:

Firstly let me say – it’s going to be okay.

How could I possibly know that? I don’t know you and your situation, I don’t know the crushing hurt you feel it’s unique to you.

But I do know, that you are bigger then your relationship or marriage. And because of that you will be okay.

“So do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide, Breathe in, breathe out and decide.”

Greys anatomy

I met my ex husband when had just turned 19 he came into my life and I fell instantly in love with the strong, funny kind man before me. When everything went south nearly 7 years later I dewelled on the decision to leave for over a year.

I was terrified that if I left now was I risking the possibility thing could get better. Maybe if I just stay another week, another month a year? Maybe I can fix it.

It was a good friend who had been through it before me that said “set a date a realistic date and if things aren’t better then, then you need to leave” it made a lot of sense to me, so I set a date and In the meantime I worked on my marriage, we went on a holiday I tried to be extra supportive but the date came around and I realised that after a year and a half of fighting, stress, anxiety I no longer loved the man before me.

I had been having anxiety attacks and started going to therapy for them behind his back. I was to scared to tell him I was seeing a therapist, he would tell me I was being irrational and overreacting and make me feel stupid, and I knew I needed help.

This marriage was actually now physically hurting me.

Ladies – no one can tell you what’s right for you but you BUT nothing is worth your health. Nothing is worth your state of mind. And I’ll tell you what everyone told me, if it’s now effecting that – leave. You are more then the relationship that is hurting you.

Don’t let the concept of change scare you as much as the concept of staying unhappy” timber Hawkeye

When I spoke to my husband, I had to muster all the strength I had, he had a knack for making me end up apologising and feeling bad. But before I spoke to him I spoke to my sister and parents first, they needed to know I would be coming home and also this way there was no going back it would hold me accountable.

I held my ground when I spoke to my husband and I’m so proud of that.

The day after I left was a mess, what had I done I just walked away from 8 years and from an entire possible future of love.

I went to my best friend, and through junk food and wine I cried, I balled my eyes out and the beautiful soul she is sat with me and felt my pain with me.

Ladies – Go to your team, get your fine ass to your friends or family that are going to support you. Please don’t be alone when this hits, go to your team who will cry with you and feel your pain with you, because you will need them.

“You are a hurricane of a woman.

Remember to breathe every once while.

And not to drown within your own storm”

A few days later I read a quote and it hit me so damn hard.

“I had to step back. Get all the way real with my life. And ask my self why I wanted a man who made it obvious with his actions, that he didn’t want me? Why I kept trying for a man who never made the effort for me?

In doing that I realised he wasn’t the problem anymore.. it was me. I had become my own problem by sticking around for a horrible relationship. And I needed to work on fixing my self”

So I worked out what I was so scared of- and it  wasn’t being alone or what people thought but it was losing my self through the pain.

I had always been a headstrong trusting person, and I was becoming a weak untrusting mess of a woman. And so I decided to go live my best life to be who I aspired to be.

Ladies – what are you scared of? And who do you want to be? Because you can be who ever you want to be. But remember it starts with you taking care of you. You can’t be the glorious lady you want to be if you are letting your self be trodden on, or staying in an unhappy place.

“It’s not selfish to love your self, take care of your self and make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary” Mandy Hale

This is where self care becomes so important, do not neglect your self. You already have for to long.

Do what makes your soul happy, in hiking in the exploration of nature I found my peace. In self love Sundays (Yvette Le Blowitz – it starts with me) I found bliss.

Start doing the things you have neglected, go get a facial, buy the new beauty product you wanted, if you like to read get back into your books, if you love trash tv turn on love island, take up the sport you always wanted to play.

And self reflect. I can’t stress the last one enough, to grow you need to remember where you have came from and what you survived. And you won’t just survive you’re going to come out of this stronger.

Don’t let anyone’s opinion get you down and so many people are going to give you their unsolicited opinion.

Find kindness through the pain. For kindness is only found from being through hard times yourself and the world needs kind souls.

“My only goal in life right now is to be happy. Genuinely, intensely, and consistently happy, regardless of what it looks like to others”

I’m writing this as I’m coming home from my first solo holiday. This holiday gave me time to reflect away from it all, as I walked the beach on the first day I couldn’t help smiling to my self realising the choices I had made are the reason I’m able to do this now, I walked away from 8 years and a future for a chance at real happiness, what I didn’t expect the inner peace that came with my choice.

I’m a big believer in living your best life, we only get one life to live. And it would be a crime to not live the best possible version of it that you can.

I hope that in time you too will find your happiness and peace. Peace with where you have come from and with the unknown fantastic journey ahead. The world is at your amazing feet.

“You will be lost and unlost over and over again. Relax love, you were meant to be this glorious epic journey” – nayyirah waheed


Words By: Spa it Girl Contributor Mary Avenoso